Mama, You Are Human Too

…why Book Week had me in tears.

And not for the reason you might think. My son attends 3 yr old kinder and at this stage (and probably forever more), I am not the Mum who sews or sources many pieces to create an amazing book week outfit.

My son has recently found a passion for space and planets and recently received a book all about space for his birthday! And so.. the astronaut character was born. And so.. the Kmart $13 astronaut outfit was purchased.

He excitedly told many family members he would be dressing up as “space” for kinder on Friday. Many promises were made to send a photo of him in character before kinder.

The morning of kinder arrives, and so far so good. Both Mr A and Miss M were eating breakfast and had been changed out of pyjamas, ready for kinder drop off and then straight to Miss M’s music class. It’s 8.30am and I head off to get ready myself. Mr A stops me in my tracks and asks for more toast, an additional side of breakfast. I said “Yes sure, just let Mum get ready and then I’ll do it so that you can eat it on the way if need be.”

Silence.

Tears. “I WANT IT NOWWWW” he wails. As if my response had been, “no sir, try again tomorrow”.

Following some back and forth, I find myself taking some deep breaths and walking to the kitchen to make more toast.

Ok, five minutes until go time.

“Andre!! Time to put on your costume!”

Costume is on and he looks great!

Silence.

Tears.

“It’s too big. I want it off”.

“What do you mean? It’s not big, it’s perfect!”

“No, I don’t want it, I want it off.” He says, while literally ripping it off his body.

My frustration began to shine through, while trying to explain in a stern voice, “Are you OK that all of your friends will be dressed up and you won’t be?” I repeat it twice more, each time more angrily than the previous. He’ll never know that’s what I was asking him as he continued to cry over my talking, making my frustrations rise further.

Eventually, knowing we were now running late, I pushed the outfit into his backpack, along with his book and stormed off to the car. We were in silence as I reversed out, but I could see his sad face in my rear-view. I hear my daughter say “Andre, are you OK?” I then turn to see them holding hands

I took a moment and a deep breath.

I turned to him and said, “Buddy, it’s ok that you don’t want to wear it, it’s OK”, and although still sad, I could sense the relief in his eyes that I was no longer mad.

As I drove the very short trip to kinder, I found tears spilling out of my eyes. Uncontrollably. I pulled over to try and pull myself together. But I kept wondering whether I was truly a terrible mother for making him feel like it was so important to wear something he wasn’t comfortable wearing in the moment? Was him wearing this more important than his own happiness? I’m supposed to be his safe space, where he’s comfortable to say no. But I also didn’t want him to regret it and feel left out.

I grabbed my sunglasses, grateful for the sunny skies that graced us that day, and walked in. I saw his little friends taking group photos dressed in their cool costumes. I waved but couldn’t speak to their Mums or to his teacher as my tears literally would have poured out if I’d even tried. I gave him a huge hug, he gave his sister the same, and off he went.

The morning’s events stayed with me all day.

This story is for all the Mamas out there who expect themselves to be superhuman and perfect, simply because they’ve birthed another human. No, we are still humans with our own emotions to regulate, who feel hurt when our children can’t understand that we are trying to help them. We are so unnecessarily hard on ourselves.

I personally am proud of the fact that I realised before he walked in to kinder that in fact, I had overreacted and it was OK that he made that decision. I am proud that I apologised to him. And later that night, I explained to him that I didn’t want him to be left out when he arrived and all I want is for him to be happy.

We, as parents, aren’t perfect but we can absolutely teach our kids that mistakes can be made and when they are, we can push our ego to the side and apologise.

I see you Mama.

Love and light always.

Bianca x

Writing to Breathe